Fatherly Commitments
The Disciplines of Rooting, Part 1
It was Father’s Day in the UK yesterday, just as I was realising that the gesture of Rooting involves cultivating a healthy inner father figure.
Each gesture has some signature moves, which you would observe in someone who is in the flow with that gesture. These moves are skills that can be learned, practiced and developed by everyone. There seem to be two signature moves for Rooting, and they are related to healthy fathering. The moves are: working skillfully with Boundaries and Commitments. Like the roots of a tree, Boundaries and Commitments work together to connect us to the world around us, so that we may receive nourishment and nourish others.
This post is about Commitments.
From mothering to fathering
My Landing phase was all about mothering. Following a revelation in 2023 of some very early childhood trauma, I became aware of how unsafe it felt to be in my body. As a result of what happened to me, I did not feel I belonged here on Earth and was, in various ways, trying to escape into the cosmos. Foreshadowing the Four Gestures, my newsletters from that period identified the need to establish safety before any progress could be made with finding my purpose.
My healing process involved very gently and patiently being with many parts of me that had formed on the foundation of that young fear. I made a playlist called Mother Buddha Love, which I cried along to every day for a bit. Then I found a therapist who embodied the “Good Mother” archetype. My suffering was transformed through her peaceful, unconditional, loving attunement to the needs of my traumatised parts.
Transitioning into Rooting, I have found myself getting to know men who are fathers or considering fatherhood. That’s a first for me, and I’m learning a lot. The biggest revelation has been the fact that healthy fathering involves an unwavering commitment to looking after your children. Spending time with these men, it becomes clear that this commitment takes precedence in their lives. It trumps their personal wants, every time. If they act against their commitment, they feel their self-betrayal.
This might sound obvious, but to someone who only has myself to take care of, it is impactful to encounter this way of being. As a childless adult, I have mostly befriended other childless adults, until the last two years. We, the carefree, have very different considerations.
In Bristol I have become close friends with mothers, who have inspired me countless times with their ingenious loving. The healthy father energy is striking me differently. It is not the case that only men can father and only women can mother. Most parents do both. However, the word “commitment” doesn’t seem quite right for the ways mothers are present for their children. These lessons on commitment have come to me through men, where they perhaps most often find their fullest expression.
My experience of being fathered
My father, who I love dearly, has been committed to me and my siblings in many ways. He provided for us, despite a lifelong struggle to find work that satisfied him on a personal level. He repeatedly and uncomplainingly rescued me, when I’ve stranded myself in the middle of the night or the middle of nowhere. He has always tried hard to understand what matters to me; he reads all these posts!
This support was not enough for me, though, because I was not physically or emotionally safe around him as a child. Very sadly, due to his upbringing, he was easily triggered into volatile, explosive behaviour. I mirrored him in this respect, and we clashed often, from infancy until my late teens. While there was a symmetry in our emotional landscape, the power dynamic was, of course, one sided. Only one of us was actually at risk.
The experience of unsafe fathering has shaped a large part of my life (which, I must say, has been a rich and exciting one!) I have been myopically self-protective and unable to trust. However, thanks to the Landing phase, other choices are coming into my awareness. I love how the outer world tracks the inner; hence, these wonderful men who are fathers have been arriving in my orbit and giving me much to think about.
None of what I’m saying is intended to put the blame for suffering on parents: mine, anyone else’s, or you, if you are a parent. I think that we culturally carry these wounded, twisted, diminished images of the mother and father archetypes.
It is up to all of us to imagine and cultivate better parenting. I believe that I can be part of this revolution, even without having children of my own. By re-mothering and re-fathering myself, I gradually embody a pattern that can be transmitted to people of all ages and genders who are in my orbit.
“Good Father” energy is needed everywhere. As much as our own children, the plants and animals and soil and minerals need us to uphold commitments and boundaries. Our communities and our countries need us to lead in this selfless way.
So, how do we do that?
What are commitments?
Commitments are actions that we must take in order to be in alignment with what is right.
I believe that commitments exist irrespective of our awareness of them. We do not decide what they are; we discover. From within a cultural framework that emphasises individuality and freedom, this might be difficult to grasp. It made a lot more sense when we were largely religious. We lived according to a shared, explicit moral order. Nonetheless, it would be outrageous to suggest that people without a religion have no moral sense.
Commitments are shaped by each person’s personal experience of compassion: the unique ways that love flows through you. Compassion is fundamental to human nature. It connects us to each other, which is absolutely essential for our flourishing. As the Four Gestures map shows, a human life seeks a balance between receiving and giving. We can only express our potential once we have found a home in which we can engage in mutual care. This is explored in the book, “Bonds That Make Us Free” by C Terry Warner.
Commitments are contextual: the correct action cannot be determined once and for all. We might hold some commitments more strongly than others, and call them values: for example, speaking the truth or protecting those more vulnerable than ourselves. However, rightness exists at a deeper level than values, which are an attempt to apply rightness consistently. It is wise to acknowledge that our values may one day conflict with one another, leaving us with a choice about what is right in that situation.
Discovering my commitments
Without a partner or children, it has seemed difficult to know what I am committed to. Equally, I have a really strong longing to find out. I know that I only give my best when I am connected to compassion.
As I just said, commitments are contextual and they exist at different levels. I find it fruitful to ask myself, “What do I seem to be committed to, now?” Some of the answers are things that have seemed true for a long time, while others may be true today. Some will be true of all my relationships while others only apply to one person.
Here are some examples, and how they show up in my awareness:
I seem to be committed to doing my work here in the UK. A few years ago, I tried doing it in other, beautiful, countries. After a while, I felt disconnected from meaning, and knew I had to come back. A year ago, I considered moving to Thailand for a relationship, but felt that this would be a betrayal of this land.
With certain friends, I feel committed to supporting them as parents. This arises in me as a surge of energy that I would willingly give to support them, or as an easy choice to get out of the way if there is a conflict between my wants and the needs of their children.
In conflicts, I am committed to owning my part, as soon as it becomes clear to me. This may or may not involve sharing that information with the other person. I am also committed to de-escalating conflict and acting from a loving place as soon as I am able.
Since March, I have been committed to sharing the teachings available within the Four Gestures map, which I believe was given to me from somewhere else. A friend encouraged me to think of this work as if it were my child. Parents do not get to choose what their children are like, or the ways their children interact with the world. They just do their best to guide and support.
This is a learning edge for me, and I’m “all in” in terms of discovering and honouring my commitments over the next months and years.
How do you relate to commitments? What feels good about committing? What feels difficult? What are you committed to at this moment?
With much love,
Rebecca xxx